


Dirty Tricks, Naught For Treats

by remarkable1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: A/U, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Asshole!Loki, Attempted Seduction, Double Date, F/M, Gross, Humiliation, Magic, Mild Gore, Mild torture, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Revenge, Semi-optional costume party, Swearing, creepy crawlies, loki is a little shit, spells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-13 16:34:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21175064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remarkable1/pseuds/remarkable1
Summary: A double date at Hogwarts Halloween costume-optional party begins well and ends .... well, you'll have to read it and see! Trick? Or Treat?





	Dirty Tricks, Naught For Treats

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EliMorgan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EliMorgan/gifts).

> My prompt for the story for the SomethingWicked19 community is as follows:
> 
> XO 03
> 
> Prompt: Due to a glitch in the Afterlife system, this Halloween spirits are flooding the earth from all quarters, with no way to return. Character A has been tasked with finding a solution - but when Character B turns up, they begin to question why they're trying at all. 
> 
> Pairing(s): Tony Stark/Hermione Granger, Loki/Nymphadora Tonks, Wanda Maximoff/Draco Malfoy
> 
> Suggested Kinks: Flirty banter, mild angst, Death as an administrator, HEA 
> 
> Squicks: More character death
> 
> Additional Notes: Optional, but maybe there's a dawn deadline so they're working all night? 
> 
> *Author note: I hope I've done you justice. I found this to be a challenging but fun piece to write. Happy Halloween/All Hallows Eve/Sauin/Samhain!!

The eighth annual Halloween Ball celebrating the defeat of the Dark Lord celebrated merrily at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The students were confined to their dorms so the adults could party the night away, with select fifth through seventh years in attendance that had earned the distinction through high marks and ethical conduct. Many volunteered to be servers, cloak takers, and so on, as well as guides, so guests didn't get lost. It was an honor, and many groaned if they were not selected, but felt the school made up for it in the lavish goody baskets and games that appeared in each standard common room to share.

Tonks chewed her lip and glanced nervously at her friend Hermione Granger, excitedly craning her neck towards the entrance for their dates. She'd never met Hermione's boyfriend or his brother but was told Loki was ‘right up her alley’, whatever that was supposed to mean.

She only hoped he was hot, a good dancer, and a monster in bed. Not in that order, but preferably at least making one of the above come true. She’d rather get all the treats than tricks. Hermione had assured her both brothers were gorgeous. Still, Tonk's opinions of the SWOT’s taste in men did not run at all the same, so she remained skeptical.

On her third spiked drink already, the small witch was beginning to feel tipsy. Liquid courage helped her move past her natural awkwardness but did nothing for her grace.

From the loud squeal next to her, Tonks assumed Hermione’s boyfriend had arrived. Waving her arm animatedly, Hermione dragged the metamorphmagus through the crowd, throwing herself at a very tall, very buff and good-looking Norse God of Thunder. Tonks felt like her tongue was going to loll out of her mouth. Holy. Fucking. Shit. THIS was the boyfriend? Hermione’s description had been great but didn't come close to how seriously drool-worthy this hunk of burnin' love was. Damn. Too bad he was spoken for.

Not wanting to stare as the two sucked face, Tonks craned her neck, looking around for tall dark and broody. 'Please, please, please do not make the other brother a Snape-wanna-be,' she prayed silently, gritting her teeth anxiously. 

Not seeing anyone that fit that description, she yelped when a hand landed on her shoulder, a velvety-smooth borderline baritone speaking in her ear. "Good evening, Darling. It is such a pleasure to make your acquaintance. My brother's girlfriend has told us all about you. I must say, justice has not been served. You look absolutely ravishing in that outfit."

Tonks spun, wobbling on her heels, embarrassed when a man much taller than she, had to lean in to steady her. Looking up, her heart melted, panties instantly wrecked by the emerald green eyes boring into her very soul. "Where have you been all of my life?" she sighed, and he let his head roll back, a pleasing laugh bursting forth.

"Indeed? Probably in Asgard, or prison. Take your pick."

"Oh, shit. A bad boy to boot? I think I'm in love."

"Let's not rush things, shall we?" He smiled, obviously amused by the small curves of his lips twitching.

"Okay, we can give it a couple of hours, but if I don't make you run screaming, can we rush things later?"

Loki's eyes went wide. Well, well, this little tart was quite honest to a fault, wasn't she? Her outfit was a cross between demure and slutty, an exciting conversation piece. A daring slit revealed almost all of one thigh up to her waist when she walked, and the back reached so low it barely covered her ass crack.

The God of Mischief hissed, willing his randy cock to cool it. Tugging down his suit jacket to hide his new little problem, he bowed to her. "Loki, of Asgard, at your service."

"Uh, Nymphadora Tonks. But call me Tonks, please. If you call me by my given name, I'll kill you."

"I'd like to see you try, mortal," he hissed warningly, then softened the threat with a gentle hold on her arm. "I jest, of course."

"Of – of course," she stammered, confused by his ability to look like he was going to devour her whole and then sweep her off her feet in the space of two seconds.

Loki quickly pulled her away to a niche where there were few lingering, pressing her up against the cool stone walls, leaning in to steal a kiss, stopped by his date’s fast reflexes.

Tonks dropped her wand into her hand and pointed it at his chest. "Look, Buster. I don't know who you think you are, but no funny business. It’s too early in the evening. I don’t even know anything about you."

Loki arched one brow. "I know who I am – Loki of Asgard, God of Mischief and Lies. And I assure you, there is nothing funny about the business I propose to engage in." He shot her a filthy smirk and with the snake of a wrist, divested her of her wand, twirling his fingers to send it elsewhere.

"Give me back my wand, you fucker!"

"Now now, sweet thing. I have a proposal for you."

Tonks crossed her arms and tried to push him away. Unable to do so, she stomped on his foot, and he just laughed. "You are the feisty one, aren't you! My my, I do so like my mortals feisty."

Rolling her eyes, Tonks settled for crossing her arms tightly over her bosom, leading Loki's gaze to enjoy her décolletage. "I am trying to say that you can’t just come on to me like this. I don't even know you. I mean, you're hot and a girls' wet dream, but how do I know you're not a psycho serial killer? And where did you send my wand, anyway?"

Sighing, Loki stepped back. "How tedious. Very well, if I must, let us make the obligatory conversation. My brother and I are Gods, Darling. He will vouch for me. Surely, he would not have allowed me to double date his girlfriend's friend otherwise. Your wand is in a pocket dimension, and I shall retrieve it if you promise not to threaten your infantile magic on my person again."

"Fine. I promise not to hex your bold ass if you don't push me into sex before I'm ready for it."

"Deal." Her wand appeared in his tricky fingers, and he handed it back. Then he bowed. "Forgive me. Would you care for something to eat? It appears you've already imbibed a bit of alcohol, and I would be remiss in allowing you to be sick this early in the evening."

Casting her date a weird side-glance, she took his arm and headed for a buffet table, muttering, "Do you always do everything backward? Normally I'd dig your behavior toward the end of the date. But in the beginning? It's just creepy."

Loki looked bored but was a gentleman in that he would not abandon his date prematurely out of respect for Thor and Hermione. "I start as I mean to go on, Darling. You are scrumptious and I have no doubt we will be fucking by the end of the night. I was being expedient and skipping the unnecessary preliminaries."

"You might feel like it's unnecessary, but I assure you, it's all foreplay for me."

"Yes. If you say."

"Well, I do."

Disengaging and slightly annoyed, Tonks put small portions of a variety of items on a plate, grabbed some water, and led Loki to a seat away from the crowd. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"This swill? I remember this garbage from when I was a child. No. Asgard has far finer cuisine than Midgard."

"You're not earning very many brownie points," Tonks warned around a mouthful of food. "You know, like, impressing me? You're a rude git."

"I've never pretended otherwise."

"Charming."

"I do not understand. I thought you were – as my brother put it – mischievous, as I am known to be. Do you not seek adventure? Excitement? I assure you; I can promise you far more than a simple night of dancing and libations. You will have no complaints when I’ve stolen your voice, commandeered to scream my name to the very heavens with my lips on your clit and fingers up your soaked cunt. I can SMELL you, darling. You’re practically dripping for me, aren’t you?"

Tonks tilted a chicken wing at Loki. She was extremely disappointed with what a cocky asshole he was being. "Look, don't take this the wrong way, but your entire approach is a total turnoff. So, why don't you zip off to whatever pocket dimension you crawled out of and disappear."

Her date studied her, his eyes growing cold. Pushing himself up from the table and knocking some of the food off of her plate, he snarled out, "As you wish, my Lady." With a stiff bow, he stalked off through the crowd, ignoring the calls from Thor shouting for Loki to join him, a slow, evil curl sliding onto the younger brother’s face as he came up with a dastardly plan.

==

Dumbledore was making his customary speech; the House tables were groaning with food, attendees well into their cups, and a portion of the floor cleared away for dancing. Some folks had come in costume; some had not.

Hermione kept trying to get her friend to dance with Thor, but the tipsy Tonks begged off.

"I am most grievously sorry Loki was a 'dick' tonight, my Lady."

Hermione choked on her wine when the word 'dick' came out of Thor's mouth in that capacity, and he had to slap her heartily on the back to clear her windpipe.

"Don't DO that to me, Christ! I thought I was gonna die!"

"Apologies all around for the lovely ladies," he murmured.

Dumbledore concluded his speech, and the lights went low, a drumroll announcing the judging of the costume contest. Those interested in competing gathered on a raised dais in a semi-circle. One particularly gruesome guest had what appeared to be maggots and worms crawling out of graphically-applied holes over his or her face, body, and feet. The other attendees scooched away, not wanting to touch the person.

Everyone else finished their meals and gathered toward the front. Hermione shied to one side as another extremely gruesome costumed fellow fell into step next to her. She shuddered. "Uh, nice outfit," she grinned. "You went all out." The person's mask turned and puss excreted from its eye sockets, then stared back at the stage.

Two more worm-infested, ghoul-looking creatures lurked to the far side of the stage, and Hermione got a creepy feeling in her stomach. Leaning into Thor, she pointed them out, and he chuckled, grabbing her and pulling her into his side. "Not to worry, my Lady. I shall save thee from the nasties this night."

"Where in the world are you learning all of this – slang – from?" she asked, and he grinned. "Why, the Lady Tonks has been most helpful with my Midgardian language acquisition."

Rolling her eyes, Hermione side-eyed her friend. "I bet she has."

"Bet I've what?" Tonks asked, catching the tail end of the conversation.

"Nevermind," Hermione sighed.

Someone to her left shrieked, startling the Hall into silence as a wand went off and blasted a worm-infested thing into a billion pieces. Worms, gore, rotten crap, and general ickiness flew everywhere, slime spattering on the faces and clothing of those nearest.

"Good Godric! What in the name of Merlin is this?" a judge shouted, his Sonorous rising above the sudden din of shrieking, hexing and general stampeding.

Thor raised his hand, and Mjolnir flew into it, and careful not to hit civilians, began swinging like a madman, smashing the dead things left and right. Tonks hexed one creature after another, Hermione's back to her as more and more appeared, seemingly from out of thin air.

The attack wasn't so much an attack as it was an infestation of the disgusting creatures, sagging on rotted feet, swaying back and forth. When it became apparent the ghoul-like monsters weren't attacking, the pandemonium settled down to an uneasy silence, at least to those guests that remained and hadn't run for their lives. The students had long since scattered to their various Houses at Dumbledore’s roared urging.

Thor narrowed his eyes and looked up, scanning the Hall for telltale signs of his wayward brother. Sure enough, hanging from a chandelier, Loki gave him a wink and a wave, announcing, "Just thought I'd liven things up a little! My date looked bored to tears."

Every ghoul-creature that was killed reformed into two more. Aside from being extremely disgusting, they were harmless, swaying in place.

Tonks kept blasting the creatures until Loki laughed, everyone now staring up at him and muttering. "I don't know why you are bothering, my dear. It's a simple spell, made easy by the thinning of the walls between the spirit world and this mortal one. All-Hallows eve on Midgard has ever been my favorite place and time for pranks."

"Brother, disperse these – these – abominations this instant!"

Loki made a pouting face and batted his eyelashes. "Or you'll what? Throw your toy hammer at me and smash this fine chandelier, cutting the remaining guests into ribbons? You don't even know if I am here, or if this is an illusion."

Tonks leaned up towards Thor, the God meeting her as he crouched slightly to get down to her level. She whispered in his ear, the other guests beginning to bitch angrily and gather their things to leave. Dumbledore was herding the ghoul-things into an opposite hall, much like a sheepdog herding sheep. The dripping of ooze, pus, and other assorted wiggly things would have Filch screaming bloody murder, so the old Headmaster figured he'd tidy it up when everyone was out.

Loki was glaring down, straining to hear what his date was telling his brother, but to no avail. But he did not like the look of glee on Thor's oafish face.

"Whatever you are planning, it won't work!" he called down.

Hermione stood, arms crossed under her rather nicely framed cleavage. Loki was beginning to enjoy the view from being up this high.

After Tonks and Hermione conferred for a moment, they held hands and chanted something. Loki was started to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Maybe he'd underestimated the cunning of the Midgardian witches? As he gathered his magick to teleport out, too late, he was hit with a spell as the women shouted, aiming their wands at him, "Locus Wide Tarantallegra Per Noctum Loki!"

The God of Mischief fell arse over end to the floor, promptly leaping up and dancing wildly, arms and legs flailing about, unable to control his movements. "Unhand me from your primitive spell this instant, witches!" he shouted, humiliated.

The remainder of folks left behind started laughing, pointing and jeering, Thor looking pleased as punch.

"Oh, don't worry, the spell will wear off by morning," Tonks mimicked in a smarmy tone of voice Loki assumed was supposed to be an imitation of him.

They turned to go, and Loki panicked, shouting, "I yield! I am sorry! Please, release me, this is unbearable!"

Tonks just whirled and gave him a tight, sweet smile. "Why, Darling, it's only a joke! You looked bored! Enjoy!"

Tossing her hair, she left with his brother and brother's date, the only ones now left the teaching staff, grumbling and cleaning the mess he'd left behind.

Dumbledore summoned a spirit, pointed at Loki, and the thing turned, eye-balling him, it's little bow-tie whirling. "Peeves will have funnnnn with this onnneeee!"

Loki desperately tried dancing away and failed miserably, the ghost-thing whooshing through him again and again, until the God was covered in ectoplasm, dripping as his limbs continued to flail about.

"Old man – I mean, most esteemed Headmaster, Sir, please have mercy!"

Dumbledore twirled his braided beard, his damn eyes twinkling. "Oh, I do believe I will leave you to it. It seems like you're having so much fun. Clean up after yourself when you are done."

"No please! I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" Dumbledore repeated, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes, anything!"

"Very well. Vow to me you will get rid of the creatures in the back hall, finish cleaning your mess, and next year, you will return and be part of the serving staff, without complaint. If you fail to hold your end of the bargain, then you will return every year after that until your duty is fulfilled. Are we agreed?"

"I am a God, you dim-witted mortal sorcerer, not a servant!" Loki yelled, and Dumbledore shrugged, turning to leave.

"Alright, alright! I agree!" he shouted again in desperation as Peeves flew threw him a few more times, the feel of slime and muck making Loki want to wretch.

A swirl of magic surrounded the God, and he finally came to a stop. Immediately he tried to teleport out and could not. What felt like a weight dropped onto his shoulders, but when he felt around his person with his hands, nothing was there.

"What did you do, old man?" he raged, storming towards Dumbledore and stopping when another weight fell upon him.

"I've done nothing. But each time you fail to keep to your word, another year to serve at the Hogwarts Halloween banquet is added to your sentence. Keep it up, if you like. Good help is hard to find. I bid you a good evening."

An extremely unhappy God of Mischief cleaned up after himself, snarling and snapping the entire time, finally free of his duty. He only ended up serving eight more banquets before he learned his lesson.

**Author's Note:**

> The spell used on Loki, roughly translated, is, "Room-Wide Wildly Dancing Spell All Night Long Loki." To ensure they got him if he was anywhere other than on the chandelier, but still in the same room.


End file.
